(I’ve been singing that 80’s song all week except changing the words, “My mind is a battlefield.” My coping mechanisms are quite nerdy. 🙂 But laughter is good medicine.)
I haven’t posted in the last few days because there is still no new news. Plus to be honest, I haven’t been in the best of spirits.
At the beginning, I knew this would be a battle. A battle for my child’s life to find a doctor who would let us continue. A battle of lots of doctor’s appointments, driving,waiting rooms and finding childcare for my kiddos. A battle of insurance and hospital bills. A battle of praying everyday for the life of my child, protection for us, and a miracle. But I never realized how much my mind would be battlefield.
My mind has been an almost constant battlefield since the middle of the week. Gripping fear wondering if my baby still has a heartbeat. Anxiousness of the road ahead. What will that hold? An extended stay in the NICU-a baby struggling for life? An eventful delivery? Complications? Chemo Treatments after delivery? The loss of my precious child way too early? How will this affect my children? My mind has been a constant battlefield.
Unfortunately, it took several days to align my thoughts with the Word of God. After following the Lord for 31 years and knowing first-hand His constant faithfulness, you’d think it wouldn’t take me so long. I should know by now the things I need to focus on…those things the true, lovely, and pure. But I failed desperately this week.
It’s amazing how when your strength and body are weak, it can affect your emotions and mind too if you let it. Wednesday and Thursday I spent a lot of the day sick-these elevated HCGs are really tough even though they’ve come down. I started to let thought after thought creep in until I was overwhelmed with fear and anxiety.
Thankfully, I’m surrounded by the strongest, intercessory prayer warriors in my life. My sister-in-law was here this week, and she helped me so much with the practical-taking care of my children, making meals, and just being here. Honestly, that meant the most-her presence. Then I’d send out a text to my husband, my parents, and my best friend just asking them to pray. They’d all shoot scripture, prayers, encouragement, and gentle admonishment back to me. Or there were those friends who God would drop me in their hearts, and they’d send the perfect word right at the right time.
Thursday, after a long talk with my Dad, I decided enough was enough. (How come at 31-years-old my Dad can still be one of the only people to pull me completely out of my funk? He gave me scripture after scripture. Told me to stop reading medical reports and to read the Bible instead. Thankful for a Godly father!) I couldn’t let fear and anxiety rule my mind. I felt like it was starting to make me sick. Even though the fear started creeping in when my body was weak, I felt like I was still fighting sickness because I had let my thoughts become so overwhelmed. I was literally getting sick the more and more overwhelmed I became.
I have about 15 scriptures that I copied in my journal and just started reading those over and over again. Praying them. Getting them into my heart.
Then I turned on worship music. I always keep worship music on most of the day in our house but I have it on 24/7 now. I sleep with it even. That way when I wake up in the middle of the night and my mind is foggy, I can’t think about the what-ifs? All I can think about is Jesus.
The negative thoughts certainly aren’t ruling my mind anymore but it’s still such a battle to keep them out. Please pray for that!
Also, pray for our doctor’s appointment Monday morning. Our DNA results still aren’t back but he wants us to still come in and monitor things. Please pray for miracles, good news, and that God will be glorified!
That’s the cry of my heart. That in the midst of this battle, God will be glorified! Medical professionals who see no hope will have no way to deny God preformed a miracle for us, and those watching this from a distance will see God’s great hand! It will be worth the fight-every single battle to see Him glorified!