I’m not even going to pretend understand the pain of infertility. I’ve seen friends walk this tough road and it breaks my heart. I watch my little girl who cuddles her baby dolls, rocks them to sleep, and sweetly plants a kiss on their forehead, and I’m in awe of how God plants the heart of a mother from birth into females. Now Elle sees a mom holding a baby in Costco or baby drinking a bottle in a restaurant and she always asks, “Can I carry our baby around Costco when they come out of your belly? Can I feed our baby a bottle?” It burdens me that so many struggle with infertility and desperately want a child. I’ll never understand that pain.
My entire life I never knew exactly what career I wanted but I always knew I wanted to be a wife and a mother to 2 or 3 children. But honestly, I knew once I had kids 2 would probably be plenty. Then God gave us the incredible gift of Luke. I knew from the moment I became his mother there was no way I only wanted to have 2 children. The days of motherhood are long. They are exhausting. Motherhood is the hardest journey I’ve ever embarked on. BUT my children bring me so much joy. They challenge me. They make me laugh. They keep me on my knees and my eyes on the Lord. Mike and I absolutely adore being parents.
2 years 4 months after Luke, God blessed us with Elle. I knew throughout her pregnancy that it was definitely not my last. But then the reality of 2 kids and a job transfer to another city without a support system, left me questioning when the right time to have number 3 was. Not to mention, I was homeschooling Luke and running a growing business. Mike and I always said we would start to try for #3 when Elle turned 2. Her second birthday came and went, and I was scared. I knew with all my heart I wanted another one. But I was scared. Scared of raising 2 kids while pregnant-I’m not a good pregnant lady. 🙂 Scared of having 3 kids without family or friends to help when business was overwhelming or I came down with a sickness.
4 months after Elle’s 2nd birthday, I was wrestling with God. I felt out of place. Not sure where He had me. I felt very unsettled. I asked the Lord for days what was going on. One day I felt him clearly say, “I’ve called you to be a mother.” “I am a mother, Lord.” “Yes, but your desire to have more children is from me. Trust me. I will take care of the rest.” Wow! Ok, Lord.
I talked to Mike about it and he agreed life would be even more fun with another child to love and if I was ready he was. But #3 didn’t come as quickly as we expected. (Luke was a surprise! Elle came very quickly. We used to joke just about how fertile we were. ) We kept praying and waiting every month. Nothing. The pain every month of knowing it wouldn’t be a month we’d be celebrating a pregnancy was real and raw.
Over a year went by, and I was thinking I must have missed God plus my heart was hurting because I desperately wanted another child. During that year of waiting, in January 2013, I was reading through Hebrews and this verse popped out at me, “When God made his promise to Abraham, since there was no one greater for him to swear by, he swore by himself, 14 saying, “I will surely bless you and give you many descendants.”[a] 15 And so after waiting patiently, Abraham received what was promised.” I KNEW that was my promise for another child so I began praying that verse weekly for 9 months!
I’m so thankful for that time of waiting. Because in that waiting, I got a promise for my child. I don’t think I would be so desperately seeking if God had given us this child quickly. This promise is the verse carrying me through the journey of healing we are walking today.
I remember when I first saw my baby on the screen, I immediately felt my spirit say, “this baby is your promise fulfilled.” I now stand on that verse everyday thanking the Lord for the promise of another child knowing He wants life and complete healing for this precious baby He placed in my womb.
Since Saturday, I’ve been fearful of whether or not my baby’s heart is still beating to the point I started researching at home fetal dopplers on Amazon. But now every time, fear creeps in, I quote this scripture again. Thankful for His promises. I have nothing to fear.