***This blog is for my therapeutic journaling. As well as, keeping all my sweet friends and family updated. Please do not give your medical opinion unless you are in the medical field or have walked through a partial molar pregnancy. Please be sensitive with your comments too. I know everyone has the best of intentions. I really do. But the fact is we are in a really vulnerable situation. We just want prayers
! Love you all!
***Also, I haven’t found anyone on the web who has experienced a partial molar with what looks like a very healthy baby by 14 weeks. Maybe, I can share and encourage someone else in the world with my story…And hopefully, they will be inspired by our miracle!!
***Also, this blog is full of real emotions. I didn’t want to masquerade the raw emotions of something like this. I do have hope for a miracle-so much hope! I know I serve of BIG God, and I’m so so thankful for Him. I couldn’t imagine walking through something like this without Him. But please do not tell us not to believe science, we have to believe our God. Or that God is the life giver so I have to leave it His hands and not try to take it into my own. I agree with those things with my whole heart! I believe God favors life and miracles. But I also believe, Mike and I have to be closely in tuned to the Holy Spirit so we can hear His voice and take both science and His immense, great power into consideration. I’m led back to Proverbs 15:22, “Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisors they succeed.” I pray every time I consult an expert that God will give them supernatural wisdom or for wisdom to come out of this medical case I’m reading. I believe many times the Lord partners with doctors and experts. However, I know my God is bigger than any diagnosis so Mike and I are searching His wisdom and direction every.single.day.
***Thank you to all of you, though! You’ve had the kindest and most supportive things to say. I’ve heard 1000’s of supportive, positive words and only a few that stung me, and in all honesty, they were said with the sincerest good intentions but I’m just vulnerable right now. I’m usually not easily offended at all. But a PRO LIFE license plate made feel hurt/cry the other day! See! I’m a crazy woman! Hahaha…
Part 1: Tough, Tough News.
Mike had researched partial molar pregnancy after I called him. He shared with me the information and statistics once we got our emotions together. I said, “it doesn’t seem positive, does it?!” The details were grim. I didn’t have all the symptoms-I had had no bleeding but I had most of the other symptoms. And I definitely saw the grape-like cysts covering part of my placenta in the ultrasound. Literally, we didn’t find any hope. He reluctantly had to leave for work, and I fixed a quick lunch for the kids and I. Then I sent them upstairs to rest/nap while I got on my computer and googled everything. Just trying to find some hope. I found nothing. I must say that afternoon, evening, and in the early morning hours my hope and faith were low.
My parents had dropped everything to be with me and arrived that evening. My Dad had printed out articles on partial molar pregnancy. We poured over those but found no hope in any of them. My Dad is the most steadfast, faithful, supernatural- believing man I know. He said, “Erin, this doesn’t look good. It just doesn’t. But we are going to fight for our baby and believe the Lord for a supernatural miracle.” He prayed a prayer full of the Holy Spirit for 20 minutes. I wept the entire time. I was really struggling with nausea and a headache that night and was so burdened. My strength was so low. I was so thankful my parents and Mike had the strength to pray and believe because I desperately needed them to stand in the gap for me.
I woke at 3:30 am in tears. I thought I was having another crazy pregnant dream and realized yes, I was. But it was a dream of the reality of the day I had just lived. Mike woke up, prayed for me, talked to me, and listened to me. I think my hardest struggle was knowing I saw my baby with a strong heartbeat and kicking legs but feeling like my child had no hope at life, and I was even reading PRO LIFE experts do not even consider any type of molar pregnancy a baby even if it appears as one, and if I gave it a chance…..it could kill me. My mom, grandfather, and grandmothers all passed away with cancer so knowing the potential risks scared me. I have 2 beautiful children God has blessed me with now and the most amazing husband. Knowing there was a great risk of my life being endanger and my children growing up without a mother like me, just hurt me to the core. I didn’t want to think about the negative. I wanted to believe and hope. I tried to quote scriptures and pray but I couldn’t. My mind just kept going there. The only word I could utter was, “Jesus.”
I finally asked Mike to please get me something for this killer headache I had since I left the dr.’s office. I hate taking medicine while pregnant but it just kept getting worse. I had to end it. But the water on my empty belly made me sick, and I ended up loosing the medicine minutes later. I remember laying on my cold tile bathroom floor crying telling my husband, “Every other time I throw up, I always say…It will be worth it. You’ll have a baby at the end. To know there is a great chance that I might not now…..” I just began sobbing.
Elevated HCG levels, the pregnancy hormone, comes with molar and partial molar pregnancies. My NP did explain that is probably why I’ve been so sick. It just seemed like torture to be experiencing all these increased pregnancy symptoms yet the chances I’d hold my baby were scientifically impossible. We HAD to have a miracle from God.
Since my parents were here, they let me sleep in the next day and even take a morning nap. When I woke up, God had placed hope in my spirit. I went and talked to my Dad, and he said the exact same thing. That he was in the shower and hope began to bubble inside him, and He was excited to see my miracle.
We were waiting on the blood work to come back to see what my HCG levels were. They told me they’d be ready the next day but I called again at 4 the next day (Thursday), and my NP profusely apologized and let me know she wouldn’t have them till the morning. I honestly was thankful. I was thankful for more time to pray and believe. My faith was being restored, and I had so much peace.
Friday morning, my NP called. She informed me my HCG levels came back inconclusive. My levels were elevated but not high enough to confirm a molar pregnancy. Yes, HOPE!!! But she said, that could be because this is a partial molar or it could be good. My HCG were around 116,500 at 12 weeks 6 days. I was now 13 weeks 2 days. I asked her what she liked to see them at then, and she said it is so hard to say. If I had to give you a number I’d say around 70,000 or 80,000 at almost 13 weeks. But again, it’s so hard to say everyone woman and pregnancy is different.
I felt hopeful! The next step was the specialist doctor’s appointment Monday morning. All weekend I felt very at peace. I was looking forward to Monday’s appointment, though anxious, but believing God for a great miracle!
My parents took my kids home with them that weekend, so Mike and I spent the weekend resting, praying, and having a little fun too! 🙂 We were supposed to spend the weekend getting our house in Charleston ready to sell but Mike’s amazing family, our realtor, and our best friends offered to take care of it all! The weight of that lifted off of us was such a relief! We have the greatest support system.
I thought of this verse so many times that weekend:
Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone?
From the day we found out, we all kept saying God is preparing for us battle. We are going to battle for our child. I do not think it is any coincidence my best friend, Jessica, shared an analogy that was shared with her…that God puts us in platoons of people. In a platoon, when one person is down the rest of the people raise their rifles and fight, protecting the fallen and wounded. She said, “I’m raising my rifle for you. When you feel weak and tired, we are fighting for you.” I’m honored God has placed us in her platoon. She has been one of my greatest sources of strength and encouragement this past week.
Then my Aunt Emily posted this verse to my comments today….I began to weep. It’s amazing how God confirms himself through his people and Word.
Thus say the Lord unto you, Be not afraid nor dismayed; for the battle is not yours but God’s.
2 Corithians 20:15
We are putting on our gear and are ready to fight for you, my sweet child!
(I know I’m backtracking a bit to catch everyone up but if everyone could be praying that the cells on my placenta do not increase or even disappear. Also, pray for a DNA test we had. If the baby has 46 chromosomes, we have a fighting chance. Literally, it is 1 in a million but we have a chance. If it has 69, and confirms a molar there is no scientific hope at all.